FORBIDDEN RELATIONSHIPS: SHOCKING FATHER AND DAUGHTER AFFAIR ‘PART 2’

If you’re familiar with the movie Game of Thrones, chances are you are conversant with the different types of incestuous relationships and forbidden relationships portrayed in the film. The series is set in its own alternate universe and does not compare with real-time as you may be aware. However, beyond your TV screen, stories of incest usually inspire gruesome concern in the public.

Incestuous relationships are sexual activities between close blood relatives which may include step relations and family members who are forbidden by law to marry.

Usually, these forbidden relationships are prohibited and systems of rules are enacted by a particular country or community to regulate the actions of its members and which it may enforce by the imposition of penalties.

Incestuous relationships cut across all the social classes in developed, developing and undeveloped societies. This cankerworm would pass for a silent health emergency. Father-daughter incest is recounted to be the commonest incest brand closely followed by brother-sister, sister-sister, and mother-son incest.

Centuries ago, depending on the time one lived, incestuous relationships were seen differently. Cleopatra described by Wikipedia as the last active ruler of Egypt 51 BC to 10 or 12 August 30 BC. [9] For example; she was said to have married two of her brothers, even though it wasn’t recorded if she actually had children with them.

Yet she had children with lovers who were not related to her. Marriage between elites in those days was intended differently, some basics to keep power and wealth concentrated in the family.

According to Wikipedia, ‘’the incest taboo is the most widely spread of all cultural taboos, both in present and in past societies.’’

Consequently, incestuous relationships flourish despite how despicable it sounds. Forbidden relationships can take many forms and shapes; firstly, the age long argument remains the fact that ‘’it’s unnatural’’.

So many writers have attempted to trace the antecedence of the taboo relationship. Different proponents provide instinctual, genetic and social explanations to the dreaded phenomenon.

This despicable trend is gradually evolving, and has continued to curl along with civilizations. According to a report by Jonathan Pearlman in 2014, a judge from Australia was criticized after saying incestuous relationships may no longer be a taboo and that the community may now accept consensual sex between adult siblings.

The lawyer was said to liken incest to homosexuality as quoted ‘’If this was the 1950s and you had a jury of 12 men there, which is what you’d invariably have, they would say it’s unnatural for a man to be interested in another man or a man being interested in a boy. Those things have gone.”[7]

Similarly, in 2014 an advisory board to Germany’s government called for a revision of a branch of the country’s incest law, which would ‘’end the criminalization of sex between siblings’’. Even though, the ethics council ‘’ didn’t recommend decriminalizing sex between parents and children.’’[8]

A story published on Apr 13, 2018 by BBC[4] about a US man who killed the son he had with his daughter, wife who was formally his biological daughter and the girl’s adopted father still resonates till date.

There are also unspoken truths about mother and son incest. An example is a story published on Jan 21, 2017[5] by Ginger Gorman of a boy named Ian who committed suicide; he was habitually raped by his mother. Unfortunately, only a few of these stories make it to the headlines.

Sexual abuse committed by a parent, particularly the mother, creates disorder in the mind of the child who has to depend on the very person who perpetuates the evil.

Usually, the victims are minors. According to University of Canberra researcher Lucetta Thomas, quoted “The abuse often started before the child hit puberty when the child was still quite young, so they had really no concept of what was going on, but they were still being coerced or manipulated into performing sexual acts,” [5]

Most of the time, the victims have no one to confide in or any clue what so ever what’s happening to them. Even when they are grown and willing to speak up, there may be afraid that no one would believe their stories.

IS IT RIGHT FOR A FATHER TO BE IN A SEXUAL RELATIONSHIP WITH HIS DAUGHTER SINCE HE SEES THE IMAGE OF HIS DEAD WIFE IN HER?

It’s understandable that as humans we are a complex, multi-layered, sexual being amongst other things. But being sexually attracted to your child is unusual. As people, how we act is a resultant effect of what’s in our heads. These are two parallel things; our thoughts and our actions.

While grieving a loved one can be really challenging, getting help would be the best action. Even if the attraction is mutual, children were meant to depend on their parents and not the other way around. While being together with your child during grieving can help you recover quickly, seeking or allowing a sexual relationship with your child who is also grieving is totally wrong and unacceptable.

It is possible to experience different kinds of weird emotions while grieving, including bizarre attraction.  Yet, people often want to solve their problems alone, so the likelihood of acting on impulse is there and falling into the trap of forbidden relations.

Personally, I think being attracted to someone with qualities that one admires in people is just natural, natural in the sense that, losing a spouse can create a huge void in a person. The expected reaction would be to fill that emptiness. However, a daughter wouldn’t be a good replacement for a departed spouse. They represent different things. A sane man should know better than to act on incestuous thoughts. 

Irrespective of personality, it’s would be logical to always test the entire propositions in your head before acting and making a decision. Talking with someone often helps, it presents another perspective to the problem. Consulting a counselor or a trusted friend might help.

As a father having those thoughts, you may be worried about what to do and may even feel shame if you’re sexually attracted to your daughter. Whatever you do, don’t give in to this attraction and ensure not to harm your daughter in any way.

You should to be extremely careful of all your engagements around your grieving period, especially your actions near your daughter.  Do not betray your parenthood, that’s the highest form of responsibility.

 So please act properly and correctly with your child. Don’t do anything sexual to your daughter, either by thinking or touching her sexually.  A proper way of handling this situation would be finding a fulfilling relationship with an unrelated adult.

IS IT OKAY FOR A DAUGHTER TO BE SEXUALLY ATTRACTED TO HER FATHER?

Sigmund Freud a famous psychoanalyst posited that, kids go through a series of psychosexual stages which ensures the development of the adult personality.  Freud wrote at length about the Oedipus complex i.e. sexual attraction between son and mother. Similarly, Carl Jung wrote about the Electra complex between daughter and father.

The Electra complex describes a girl’s sense of competition with her mother for her father’s affections. Usually, this occurs around aged 3 and 6, when a girl subconsciously becomes sexually attached to her father and consequently becoming hostile toward her mother. 

However, girls usually outgrow this developmental stage. According to Gigi Engle ‘Our relationships with our primary caregivers are the start of our maturation, and our first experience with other human beings.’ these relationships set the pace for future relationships.

It molds us into whom we are, so it’s not totally unimaginable if a daughter finds her father attractive and has some teenage fantasies like “My dad is so amazing. I wish I could date someone like him.”

Technically, irrespective of the relationship you have with your parent, I bet you cannot totally escape their influence. While that may be understandable in teenagers, being sexually attracted to your father would constitute incestuous relationships; this behavior persisting in adulthood may indicate a gap in development. Obviously, someone is still stuck in her childhood.

Where I am from, a lady who is stuck in childhood is said to be having Daddy issues. They may be victims of childhood trauma. Unluckily, childhood trauma does not merely remain in the past. They usually tag along and continue to disrupt the individual’s passage to maturity.

If not properly resolved, it might result in more serious problems that can stick to the individual indefinitely. These problems could be emotional, psychosexual or physical problems that wouldn’t disappear on their own.

These ladies often make bad dating choices, for example dating someone who treats them badly, partly because they are always in competition with themselves and seeking love from the wrong sources; making it apparent that their psyche cannot distinguish its wants from its needs.

They are stuck in childhood because their brains don’t know what is good for them and what isn’t good for them. All their brains know is what is familiar to them and their whole body levitates toward it. Personally, I think it’s definitely not okay to fantasize about a sexual relationship with your father whether he’s the coolest or even a total alcoholic.

HOW TO KNOW IF THE LEVEL OF INTIMACY BETWEEN A FATHER AND HIS DAUGHTER IS INAPPROPRIATE?

Gender equality is a far-fetched concept after all; the society usually set certain boundaries when it comes to the level of intimacy with the opposite sex. There’s always a bias in the standard set.

Irrespective of the fact that the other person is your child, for example, a single father nursing a sick teenage girl might need to employ a nurse when it’s time for a bath. But a mother with a teenage boy in the same situation might be viewed differently.

To know if the level of intimacy is appropriate, firstly it depends on what is meant by intimacy here. According to goodtherapy, ‘Intimacy usually denotes mutual vulnerability, openness, and sharing. It is often present in close, loving relationships such as marriages and friendships. The term is also sometimes used to refer to sexual interactions, but intimacy does not have to be sexual’ [2].

Undoubtedly, emotional closeness is a form of intimacy. Naturally, when it comes to the emotional closeness between parents and their children, the expectations are quite different from friends or lovers.

When it comes to parenthood, closeness is never actually mutual, it’s characterized by a parent being cognizant of his or her child’s needs, not be totally dependent on the child for emotional support or by mutually revealing an ulterior emotive state. A parent looking for emotional security from children is grossly inept. Therefore, a father seeking such intimacy with his daughter is totally unacceptable.

At some point, children who are properly nurtured would develop and progressively seek more independence and privacy. At a certain age the willingness to undertake certain actions and carry out certain activities by themselves would be natural and spontaneous. For example, feeding themselves, dressing up, bathing in private and do not require any assistance. This is probably when the father needs to back off, and should not be around when daughters are doing those things.

While physical contact varies from culture to culture, but as a father you should be sensitive to know the amount of physical contact between you and daughter that is culturally incongruent.

Trying to discover a case of incest and molestation going on in a family might take a different approach. As often time, there is a cloud of conspiracy protecting incestuous relationships. A case published in niaraland.com on April 29, 2018, is a typical example. A Kenyan man was caught having sex with his daughter and the mother said she’s aware. Yet, she didn’t do anything about the incestuous act just to protect her marriage.[3].

Occasionally, behavioral changes are a key indicator in daughters. Once a father has crossed the line, especially, if it’s not consensual, respecting the father becomes an issue. This can be exhibited in stubbornness and being disrespectful even to others.

By unexplained pregnancies, is another pointer. Sometimes the powerlessness of wives is unimaginable, some women claim not sensing something is wrong yet still others claim to have had a normal sexual relationship with their husbands. Some girls confide in friends, neighbors or teachers.

Bottom-line, an improper relationship seen as a taboo, which involves inappropriate emotional dependence or to improper sexual conduct, the rejoinder remains. Incestuous relationships or whatever kind of taboo relationships is not quite right. Seeking help from qualified individuals, example; clergymen, counselors, psychologist or even trusted friends etc. to discover the root of the awkwardness might be a good idea when it comes down to curbing the menace.

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